Christmas 2023
We all know the story of the three men who came searching for the King, following a star with their precious gifts of gold, frankincense, and myrrh. Yes, gold is and was valuable, but since myrrh and frankincense were used in perfumes, they were equally valuable commodities then.
How fitting, then, that the “perfumes” of Christmas are some of the most powerful. My mom and grandma were big believers in multiple pies, cookies, treats, and desserts. The smells and flavors of cinnamon, sugar, apple, nutmeg, and vanilla fill my mind when I think of December.
This year has been a year of new flavors, of new smells, of new experiences. Not all the flavors and perfumes have been sweet or savory. Many were bitter and sour.
If you are not aware, my husband, Anthony disappeared on December 15, 2022; without any idea of where he was or how to reach him, I spent 3.5 weeks wondering what had happened. Christmas and New Year’s were spent alone, living with worry and concern and a broken heart. Police arrived on January 4 to give me notice. No cause of death has been determined.
* * * * * * * * * * *
As you can imagine, life lost much of its spice and flavor this past year. Life still moved forward, but much of this spring was spent in a blur. I taught my classes, and I worked at home going through items and figuring out life again at age 53. Trips to the grocery store---something Anthony and I did together—brought on panic attacks. Days alternated between feelings I might survive this only to be followed by days filled with wails and screams. Anger, grief, guilt, self-doubt, sadness, terror---all were some of the flavors of life in 2023.
Some of the other, less painful perfumes of life in 2023 involved the sweet enfolding arms of my oldest son, Andy, who hugged on his mom while I sobbed. He is living in Reno, Nevada, dedicating many more than 40 hours a week to his job as Director of New Projects at Tesla. He is camping beside mountain rivers, snowboarding at Tahoe, and loving the area around Reno.
Another sweet perfume of life was having Jonathan volunteer to help me with house projects that were too much for just me. Jonathan’s humor and passion for life were contagious; his tender heart was a salve to mine. He is finishing his senior year at Baylor University, majoring in environmental science. He is still passionate about the oceans and conservation.
Some flavors and spices this year were bitter---the loss of close friends of Anthony and me who abandoned me when grief was too much for them to bear. Some flavors were distasteful, such as making life decisions for my future by myself.
Some flavors were surprising---friends who stood in the gap for me, who held me up when I could not move forward, who checked on me when I had 2 weeks of COVID, who met me where I was for lunch or for driveway talks. I owe these people everything.
Some moments were challenging as I decided to accept the position of department chair of English and Foreign Languages at Temple College at a moment when I was not sure I was able. I am still teaching, but I enjoy my time mentoring and encouraging other faculty members. “My work family” is so loving and supportive.
Some sweet-flavored moments included me singing in the rain in my back yard a month ago, watching my 3 dogs chase the ball in the yard, laughing with my sister-in-law this summer as both of us were covered in blue cake icing, and cheering on my favorite teams in football and basketball. This year saw me in some of my strongest moments and some of my weakest.
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
When I met Anthony fifteen years ago, his personality was full of flavor. He was larger than life, and he lit up a room with a new energy. Each room in my house is a bit emptier without him.
Fifteen years ago, he introduced me to mixing spices to create homemade rubs. We spent hours over the years creating our own rubs, and he would use these to create treasures on the grill. The rubs and spices only enhanced the true flavors of the meat. Their purpose was not to overpower the original taste. They were to take the truth and bring it to the surface.
Right now, as I face the first of many anniversaries I never dreamed of facing at this stage in my life, I am looking for new recipes for life. I am looking for ways to mix the bitter and sour with the sweet.
I am hoping to mix, fold, and blend them into a new concoction.
I am searching just as the Magi did. I am searching for a new path, a new direction, and a new way to face this new life.
Much as the Magi, I am on new territory, and no one can really give me directions.
May you join me on my journey in 2024 to discover the new flavors available in life, the new ways you can be used to spread flavor among those around you. May your days be filled with smells and tastes of cinnamon and sugar, nutmeg, vanilla---or tastes of hickory, smoke, onion and garlic powder, salt and pepper.
Merry Christmas!
No comments:
Post a Comment