Secreted Treasures

 

 

Walking down aisles in stores for months,
I loved finding small treasures,
Picking them up and putting them in my cart,
Imagining the upcoming excitement and the smiles.

How I used to love purchasing
Little objects that spoke to their boy hearts,
Toys that encouraged their passions,
Items that would pique their curiosities and excite them,
Reminding them
That life was a joy
And that their mother loved them with all her heart.

I secreted these objects in hidden corners,
Holding them for that special moment that commemorated their day
Or that moment they saw the signs of my love under a fir tree.

I then tenderly wrapped these specially-selected treasures,
Hugging the paper around the item, hiding its identity until the perfect moment.

Now that those moments have passed and are replaced
With a more refined, adultlike reaction,
Now that their passions and curiosities are a bit more unknown to me,
I walk down the aisles a bit more unsure,
But thankful for so many precious memories and moments hidden in my heart.  

* * * * * *

All those years of focusing on them,
Of loving others,
Of getting up on weary feet and doing and doing and doing,
Of listening to others’ voices and others’ needs,
Of putting many of my own desires on the shelf,
Of shutting out my own voice,
I am now walking down the aisles again.
Alone.
Alone the majority of the time now.

But that is not necessarily a bad thing.
I now can hear my voice in the silence.
I now can hear my little inner voice asking to just sit, to just relax, to just be.


I am just now discovering a long-hidden reason to walk down the aisles,
To spend my time and energies.
I now walk down aisles and love finding small treasures,
Imagining how this little object speaks to my heart,
How it piques my curiosities about life.

I now dream how to use my time to encourage my passions.
I look for ways to remind myself that life is a joy
And remind this little “girl” inside that she is loved.

I tenderly select these treasures,
These experiences,
These moments,
And I hug them around me as tightly as a soft blanket around my shoulders.  

Whether the experience is finding a small antique that will create a spot of joy in my house,
Or sitting in the air conditioning, watching a rabbit hop through the grass in my front yard,
Or laughing as Calli falls over herself as she tries to catch a ball,
Or cuddling up with a blanket, a glass of wine beside me, as a rerun of Law and Order plays on the television,
Or finishing a book chapter with tears rolling down my cheeks as the words carefully woven on the page touch me,
Or lying in bed for moments after the sun has risen,
Or dancing in my back yard to a piece of music that makes my body move.

I look for special treasures,
Ways to thrill this “little girl” to make a smile reappear from ear to ear,
To feel the excitement and anticipation thrumming beneath the skin,
A trip to a tiny cabin to turn off the technology and listen to the silence, to read and write and dream, to wrap myself up in possibilities,
Snow angels with co-workers in Chicago,
A moment seeing my 22-year-old accepting his college diploma with my 26-year-old beside me,
Or my first non-Christian music concert at age 55,
Or a trip across the country to meet with writers and sit beside the Hudson River,
Or moments in my childhood town, sitting beside lakes, visiting with friends, and reflecting on the past.

In these moments, I remind myself that life is a joy,
then secrete the treasured time in a hidden place in my mind and heart.

I am busy loving life as it is, as much as I can,
Loving myself in a way maybe I haven’t been loved
Or haven’t been listened to since I was young
When my own mother walked down the aisles picking treasures for her little girls.

And as I put my head on my pillow at the end of my life,
I hope I will treasure these little specially-selected moments
That are wrapped and secreted in corners of my brain,
Knowing that I loved
And was loved.