It has been years since I read Arthur Miller’s The Crucible about the Salem witch trials. Numerous moments in the narrative still remain in my mind, but one that particularly horrified me was Giles Corey’s pressing death.
I remember the horror of hearing of the pressing torture, Peine forte et dure. Defendants who refused to admit they were witches had heavier and heavier weights placed on their chests until they suffocated to death or made this claim (see image above).
Rather than make a false claim, Giles Corey died a slow, agonizing death.
If I am honest, sometimes life seems to be Peine forte et dure, a hard and forceful punishment. In certain seasons of life, more and more weights are placed on top of us until we just cannot take another weight.
It is harder to breathe. It is hard to remember what life was like before the weight. We try to keep going.
The year 2020 was a Peine forte et dure for many of us. For me, it involved COVID isolation and teaching, 3 lost graduation ceremonies, Andy’s loss of job offers after graduation, Andy and his “horse dog” moving in with us, Anthony’s emergency hospitalization for his heart, Mom’s sudden death, Anthony's dad's hospitalization, and other issues too sensitive even now to mention. I knew the year 2021 surely would be better, but instead, it brought its own bundle of weighty issues, including the threat of cancer for me and the sudden surprising change of my responsibilities at work.
The last 2 months and 21 days have felt like the pressing torture of last year never retreated, but instead, more weights were being added. The grief over Mom’s death prior to my health issues was still fresh, a one-day-at-a-time situation, and all of a sudden, I faced some of the same fears, procedures, and tests my mom did in her final 3 months on earth. There have been moments in the last 2 months and 21 days when I have also thought of other challenges I have faced in the past 15 years and when I have wondered how much stone weight could be added before giving up.
The surgeon’s words this morning that the breast tumor removed before Christmas was benign were weight-lifting words.
Today marks the first day in 2 months and 21 days that those stones have been lightened, and I’m not sure how to move. Some of the parts of me have gone numb as a result of the pressing, so today is a new experience. I am having to learn to walk, think, and live all over again. Today opens up the possibility for new feelings, for new beginnings, for a new year of hope.
If you are in the midst of Peine forte et dure right now, I have no magical words of relief for you. I wish I did. I do want you to know, though, a few truths:
1. You are not alone. You might feel like it since the weights on you often make you feel isolated.
2. Remember that usually Peine forte et dure is not a long-term situation. Usually it is present for a season (but I cannot tell you how long your particular season will be). All I know is each day is challenging when you are in the midst, but there IS an end in sight.
3. Reach out to someone who can sit beside you in the pressing time. There are others who will understand the trapped feeling of these weights.
4. Get help from doctors or counselors or friends. Don’t lose hope.
5. Listen to yourself and to your body. Admit what you are feeling. Be honest. No need for shame to admit to God or yourself what you are thinking or what your heart is saying. Try to honor where you are in the journey.
Peter Marshall once said, “When we long for life without difficulties, remind us that oaks grow strong in contrary winds and diamonds are made under pressure.”
While I am not sure diamonds were created from my past 2 years, there has been some good.
I hope I am like Giles Corey whose last words were “More . . . weight.” He was willing to take the weight rather than give up his integrity.
I am not sure I am at this moment asking for more weight to be added. I am enjoying the thought that I might be weightfree for a few days (or months).
As a fellow sufferer of Peine forte et dure, just know I am here for anyone who is going through some difficult days. I am good at listening . . . or maybe at distracting you from the rocks weighing you down.
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